Carried meaning…

I’ll only justify they whys of what I did. I think even I understand that at this point. The consolation is that even after I look back and analyze what happened I still see that my choice was the correct one given the circumstances at the time and the constraints. The only choice, probably not.

Then I asked myself the question you repeatedly asked me, why do I do it at a personal cost to me and why is it so easy to sacrifice me in my decision? That answer is simple and what I wanted to convey. I know how hard I can push me, I know what my limits are, I know where I stand on the line – when I can and cannot move, and what breaks me, makes me, and sustains me. Most importantly, I know what it’s like to need and be needed in life. Easy, no, not always. Mine is not to question how hard it is, but to pray for the strength to withstand it and thus far, it’s always been answered. The cost has never, not once exceeded the strength I’m given.

I’m not asking you or anyone else to do as I do, to justify it, or to change me. I can only say it’s what drives me. Making a difference one person at a time isn’t just something I read. I feel it, and it calls to my heart as does living by example, not by exception. They aren’t just fancy or fluffy words. These words carry meaning and how I live. It has helped silence the voice of the past, breathes into the heart of the present, and echoes in the lives of the future. That is the essence of who I am and what I believe. I’m gifted with friends and even strangers that I meet along the road of my life that help fill my bucket, wipe away the tears that I need to shed, and guide in where the road takes me next. I’m offered hope when and where I need it most.

Definition of hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen or be true, or that it could happen

Kindness has the power to change the world, and I genuinely believe doing unto others as I would have them do to me. I have been given much and with that it’s important for me to give back in kind. It is with the greatest sorrow that our final words were so painful and scarring for that has never been my intent. I’ve never met you in my path nor known how to handle certain situations appropriately. For that, I am going to grow and learn and try to never repeat those steps. I am forever in awe at the gifts I was able to receive in the short time we spent and how deeply your touch has affected my life. I see great beauty and lovely, yes lovely, in your eyes. May you always know peace and kindness.

Forever yours

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Gone, gone, gone….

You have eyes but you do not see for her heart was pure and the light the emulated from it embodied her spirit, her love, and that the ability to give endless hope. What brought them together eventually tore them apart for what the eye cannot see, man cannot believe.

You have ears but you do not hear what is not said. You cannot hear and judge the words at the same time. Perhaps it’s what remains unspoken that carries the most weight.

You breathe but there is no life in you. Darkness shrouds your heart and you cannot love.

In grief there is great clarity and in that, there is no time. The clock no longer ticks. What once was can be no more. You did not take what was offered and now it is offered no more.

The value of the heart is so great it contains so much that with it comes provisions and you were unwilling or incapable of handling it. Gone is the ability or the privilege of what loving means.

Sometimes I wonder…

 

I wonder if you know that the day I met you my life was turned upside down? You challenge everything. You make me value my convictions, stand a little stronger, and you make me want to be the best part of me. I am always looking to move forward and to move ahead in life, now I want to skip and jump and do all the silly things that make me giggle while doing it and I want to share them with you. I want to know more, do more, be more, and to trust. I don’t feel safe, but I don’t have fear if that makes any sense. I wonder if when you look at me do you see the me that I want to be or the me that is and is evolving? I wonder if you knew that when we are talking I forget everything else and the world outside just ceases to exist in those moments of time? I also wonder if you know that’s never happened to me before you?

I also wonder if you knew how broken I was and how hard I worked to put it all back together if you’d really want to invest any time in me? I am beautiful and kind and strong and I wonder why I question whether you’d invest in me? Perhaps it is to me I should continue to ask that question. I even wonder if any of what I’ve said to you will have a lasting impact on your life like yours’ has in mine?

I wonder if you know that I also think about the way you talk to me, the way you treat me and the way you always think that I’m special even if in those exact words I never hear that from you? I also wonder when I realized that was important to hear and why it took me until you to realize it? Something you said about erasing the bad with the good has stuck with me and helps me through the darkest moments when I am alone and reverting to coping mechanisms that are not healthy and on occasion I wonder if it was your greatest gift to me? My foolish heart is forever a bundle of hope and now I wonder if you knew from the beginning that it was so? It’s a tape that runs in my head that while I know I’m forgiven I wonder how and why the Lord ever really wanted to save a soul like mine and then I smile and wonder if it will always be the case for me? Perhaps a touch of humility, self-doubt or an amazing realization of the gift I am so undeserving of…I wonder if we ever really know that answer? I do think you get it and I wonder how you know? Instead of changing that you seem to embrace it and have given me insight as to how I can deal with my own inner demons. I wonder if you know that I imagine that it’s the light shining from you that makes it look so bright on me?

I wonder if you knew everything about how I came to be the person I am if you’d still want to be around me? The past isn’t cloudy for me anymore but it does effect some. I wonder if it’s that way for everyone or am I alone in my thinking? I was wondering if I told you exactly how I feel if you’d find a way to quietly exit so as to not cause a scene and would I blame you? I wonder if you’ve ever had to stare down your demons and if so, does the shadow in your eyes represent them like it does in mine? Have you ever walked alone, and do you know how to be a friend afterwards? I was thinking about yesterday, today and tomorrow and I wonder which it is that we hold onto the longest?

I was thinking about when it’s a good time to tell you how I really feel and then you asked me and I couldn’t put it into words fast enough. I wonder if you’ve ever ridden a rollercoaster and liked it so much so that you had to immediately do it over and over again about three or four times for that’s what the onslaught of emotions do to my stomach, my heart, and my mind. So fast and furious and out of control and I wonder if it’s the thought of, or that it is that propels my emotions? I am often afraid to speak the words for even I don’t always know what it means and control seems to be my weapon of survival. I wonder when this became more about me and less about you or was it always that way? I know God said you were for me, and not the other way around and I wonder if that is somehow part of the silence in my voice? It’s been a long time since I admitted my selfish needs or admitted that I’m human and it’s okay to have wants and needs and to have the desires of my heart answered. I wonder why even saying that puts a tinge of guilt in my heart?

The harder question, how do I deal with it, how do I accept it, how do I move on from it, learn from it, and trust in it…….. I don’t have those answers yet. I will continue to search for them and perhaps I won’t have to wonder anymore. Does saying “I love you” answer all of that? I wonder so many things and when I allow my mind the room to question I realize I am unwilling to be so vulnerable even if I can admit it to myself. I wonder how to change that?

I wonder…I wonder…I wonder…and in the end I replace new wonders with more questions and more growing and wonder if there is ever a time I can look in the mirror and think I’ve arrived?

I wonder if I could do it over if I’d be able to change a thing or if it is as it is because most of all I am who I am and you are who you? More than anything else, I wonder if you know how lovely you are and what a great chapter in my life you are and always will be? I wonder and love you in the same breath. You are an amazingly beautiful wonder in this life of mine.

The Value of Love…

You have eyes but you do not see for her heart was pure and the light the emulated from it embodied her spirit, her love, and that the ability to give endless hope. What brought them together eventually tore them apart for what the eye cannot see, man cannot believe.

You have ears but you do not hear what is not said. You cannot hear and judge the words at the same time. Perhaps it’s what remains unspoken that carries the most weight.

You breathe but there is no life in you. Darkness shrouds your heart and you cannot love.

In grief there is great clarity and in that, there is no time. The clock no longer ticks. What once was can be no more. You did not take what was offered and now it is offered no more.

The value of the heart is so great it contains so much that with it comes provisions and you were unwilling or incapable of handling it. Gone is the ability or the privilege of what loving means.

Raw and vulnerable….

Raw, vulnerable, and  overwhelmed….what do I want, and what do I need? Scary because the two aren’t the same and are nowhere near each other. I want you to let me go. I don’t want to live under the shadow of you anymore. It’s dark and ominous and the weight tears at me from all sides. What little you give I live off and I know that I deserve so much more. I’m just not strong enough to walk away. Every part of me aches as I write this. The ache of the thought of letting go, the ache of holding on. I can’t possibly get out unscathed no matter what decision I make. I can feel the heat nipping at my heals threatening to consume me, the emotional turbulence unsettles me in every step and I can’t seem to find common ground to stand on. I am so unsure. The fear constricts my breathing and the passion threatens to consume every aspect of me, leaving nothing more than ashes where I stand. It’s been awhile since I felt any semblance of control. I long for this feeling in the dark to take control and it pulls me in and offers me comfort for the moment and just as easily it dumps me in the cold light of day and I’m alone in the harshness of the light. I’m lonelier in the light where everyone can see the pain and the ache if they bother to look. Every aspect of me is vulnerable and ray I don’t breathe. Every touch hurts with an ache that in unexplainable. I have absolutely no control, no hope, and I surrender. I’m knocked around and like a wave crashing on the shore I’m broken. Broken by life, by hope and by circumstances of my own design. My emotions are so charged…I am raw and vulnerable.

 

Passion verses Emotion

For me, in my life, and in my opinion there is a vast difference between passionate/passion and emotional. Emotional is a knee gut reaction to a feeling. It’s the radar my heart operates with. It’s how I gauge how I feel to things. It’s when I want to get inside of me to where the feelings reside – the happy, the sad, the good, the bad. It’s how we all respond to any given situation at any given time. It’s always and forever changing based on past and present.

Passion and passionate are in essence the result. A drive that takes what I believe in and moves it. Propels it to a new horizon. It goes beyond a feeling to a way of being. I can do because I believe it in my heart. Emotions fade in and out depending on the circumstances, my passions are ignited and never seem to die. They move me to new heights and never let me go even when it’s hard, I’m tired, and when I feel hopelessness. Without the passion, love, and belief in what we were doing, we’d never have been able to survive the emotional turmoil of change. We are instrumental in that because our passion drives us through it. Emotionally speaking, I’d have no conviction if that’s all that holds us. I’d leave when the world fights back.

Emotions I control, passion controls me and my steps. I am not willing to give up, in, or out, because I believe. My passion holds that fire and gives me opportunity to light it with emotional moments. I cannot walk away when my passion is in it because it’s me. My heart, my soul, and everything I am is dictated by my passions and bound as I am to them, they are to me. They give me a reason to be. May you find what ignites your path and let it ride!!!

My Heart…

Since you’ve been gone my heart doesn’t beat the same. It skips, stops, shocks, starts, beats fast, and just wants to give out – sometimes more than others. I wish it weren’t so. I wish you were here so that my world wouldn’t be do undone. I live in a world gone wrong.

Is this how it’s supposed to be?