I wonder if you know that the day I met you my life was turned upside down? You challenge everything. You make me value my convictions, stand a little stronger, and you make me want to be the best part of me. I am always looking to move forward and to move ahead in life, now I want to skip and jump and do all the silly things that make me giggle while doing it and I want to share them with you. I want to know more, do more, be more, and to trust. I don’t feel safe, but I don’t have fear if that makes any sense. I wonder if when you look at me do you see the me that I want to be or the me that is and is evolving? I wonder if you knew that when we are talking I forget everything else and the world outside just ceases to exist in those moments of time? I also wonder if you know that’s never happened to me before you?
I also wonder if you knew how broken I was and how hard I worked to put it all back together if you’d really want to invest any time in me? I am beautiful and kind and strong and I wonder why I question whether you’d invest in me? Perhaps it is to me I should continue to ask that question. I even wonder if any of what I’ve said to you will have a lasting impact on your life like yours’ has in mine?
I wonder if you know that I also think about the way you talk to me, the way you treat me and the way you always think that I’m special even if in those exact words I never hear that from you? I also wonder when I realized that was important to hear and why it took me until you to realize it? Something you said about erasing the bad with the good has stuck with me and helps me through the darkest moments when I am alone and reverting to coping mechanisms that are not healthy and on occasion I wonder if it was your greatest gift to me? My foolish heart is forever a bundle of hope and now I wonder if you knew from the beginning that it was so? It’s a tape that runs in my head that while I know I’m forgiven I wonder how and why the Lord ever really wanted to save a soul like mine and then I smile and wonder if it will always be the case for me? Perhaps a touch of humility, self-doubt or an amazing realization of the gift I am so undeserving of…I wonder if we ever really know that answer? I do think you get it and I wonder how you know? Instead of changing that you seem to embrace it and have given me insight as to how I can deal with my own inner demons. I wonder if you know that I imagine that it’s the light shining from you that makes it look so bright on me?
I wonder if you knew everything about how I came to be the person I am if you’d still want to be around me? The past isn’t cloudy for me anymore but it does effect some. I wonder if it’s that way for everyone or am I alone in my thinking? I was wondering if I told you exactly how I feel if you’d find a way to quietly exit so as to not cause a scene and would I blame you? I wonder if you’ve ever had to stare down your demons and if so, does the shadow in your eyes represent them like it does in mine? Have you ever walked alone, and do you know how to be a friend afterwards? I was thinking about yesterday, today and tomorrow and I wonder which it is that we hold onto the longest?
I was thinking about when it’s a good time to tell you how I really feel and then you asked me and I couldn’t put it into words fast enough. I wonder if you’ve ever ridden a rollercoaster and liked it so much so that you had to immediately do it over and over again about three or four times for that’s what the onslaught of emotions do to my stomach, my heart, and my mind. So fast and furious and out of control and I wonder if it’s the thought of, or that it is that propels my emotions? I am often afraid to speak the words for even I don’t always know what it means and control seems to be my weapon of survival. I wonder when this became more about me and less about you or was it always that way? I know God said you were for me, and not the other way around and I wonder if that is somehow part of the silence in my voice? It’s been a long time since I admitted my selfish needs or admitted that I’m human and it’s okay to have wants and needs and to have the desires of my heart answered. I wonder why even saying that puts a tinge of guilt in my heart?
The harder question, how do I deal with it, how do I accept it, how do I move on from it, learn from it, and trust in it…….. I don’t have those answers yet. I will continue to search for them and perhaps I won’t have to wonder anymore. Does saying “I love you” answer all of that? I wonder so many things and when I allow my mind the room to question I realize I am unwilling to be so vulnerable even if I can admit it to myself. I wonder how to change that?
I wonder…I wonder…I wonder…and in the end I replace new wonders with more questions and more growing and wonder if there is ever a time I can look in the mirror and think I’ve arrived?
I wonder if I could do it over if I’d be able to change a thing or if it is as it is because most of all I am who I am and you are who you? More than anything else, I wonder if you know how lovely you are and what a great chapter in my life you are and always will be? I wonder and love you in the same breath. You are an amazingly beautiful wonder in this life of mine.