my preference…

She could carry on a conversation and in the midst of a sentence I’d see her lose her grip on reality. She’d become dazed and confused and nothing could be done to take away that pain. She was instantly on guard and couldn’t even remember her name or mine. She’d react in ways that aren’t indicative of the person I’ve known for over twenty eight years so I watched helplessly as she traveled lonely roads, wandering down memories and trying to make sense out of her life. Made me wonder years from now where will me memories put me?
In the middle of the night she called for me. The alarm on the bed didn’t go off so I’m not even sure how I heard the whisper of her calling to me telling me she needed me and to come help her. I ran to her room and she said that she was scared and wanted me to sleep in her bed. She’s almost 83 and so very brittle, not to mention that she thinks people steal her stuff so she hordes it on one side of the bed.
She leaned over her bed and asked me to check the window. She grabbed my arm and looked at me and cussed a few profane words that made me blush and ended with “dammit, I should know you”. Told her that she did know me and asked her what she knew about me. She paused for a moment; and said “You love me”. “See” I said, “you know all you need to know and the rest is just filtered stuff”. As I drifted off to sleep I heard her whisper “I love you daughter”, and in my imagination she winked as she said it. That lost little girl in me found a place to belong and I fell peacefully asleep on the best floor bed ever made. Who needs clarity and sanity – I prefer dementia and unrestricted love.